Scanxiety

It’s a real thing, scanxiety. I’m almost 100% positive it’s not considered a real word but trust me, it’s a real feeling. One that I thought I would never have to feel but since I do, I need to feel it and let it go.

These past few months, while on watch and wait, have been such a beautiful, transitional time for me. I have learned so much about the woman I want to become, the woman I was and dove deep into a whole new world of living I wasn’t privy to previously. I took on a new meaning of life and truly learned how good health is such a privilege. I feel like these have been 3 of the most monumental months of my life.

My next MRI is coming up, and i’m not going to lie, I am very anxious/scared. Because the past 3 months have been a huge period of growth, they have also been a period of me feeling the healthiest I have ever felt in my life (trust me the irony is not lost on me). I get up everyday with no grogginess that used to once keep me hitting snooze, my digestion issues with bloating and cramping are a thing of the past, my skin has transformed from once acne ridden to completely clear with no cystic break outs and my attitude is so positive all the time. I do not feel like I belong in an MRI machine. I do not feel like I belong at Dana Farber meeting with oncologists.

I think, this is messing with me the most (besides the IV, shout out to MRI’s with contrast). I, in no way, shape or form feel sick. I don’t want to get an MRI done, I don’t want to travel to Boston. I want to just keep on keeping on, business as usual. So I’m trying to gather all the positivity I can muster to walk myself through the next 2 weeks when my results will come in and my Dr. will give me his next opinion.

I can’t wait to hear my Dr. tell me my tumor has shrunk. I can’t wait to share with you all that YOU CAN DO THIS by listening to your body and fueling yourself with clean, whole, plant based food and good energy. I can’t wait to continue to feel my Desmoid take up less and less space on the spot of my body it has invaded. To date, the best feelings thus far have been wearing a bra with underwire again (see ya later granny bra) and waking up on my right side and NOT being in extreme pain, or being able to sleep on my right side in general. HOW AMAZING ARE THOSE TWO THINGS?! They are huge for me. HUGE. I can’t wait to tell my family and friends I am on the mend and that I am on my way to being Desmoid free.

From here on out, I am going to try my hardest to let my excitement for good news, my positivity, beat out my anxiety. I have come so far in such a short amount of time I am not going to let this set me back into a scared, negative space.

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I plan on spending a lot of time on the beach this week with my crystals, my happy place. I want to connect with the earth and shift my nervous energy. I am also going to work out as often as I can so I can get out some anxious energy. I will remind myself daily that I am strong, healthy and brave.

Does anyone have any anxiety reducing practices they care to share? I am ALL ears!

2 thoughts on “Scanxiety”

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