In general, stability is a really good thing.
We go to college to get a stable job with a stable income.
We look for stable relationships in our friends and lovers and we look to build a stable home to build our lives in and relax in.
Being stable is a good thing.
I got my results back from my most recent MRI on Monday and it is stable. Stable, meaning no growth but also no shrinkage. I don’t want to sound like a brat to the hundreds of thousands of people who are battling a much tougher battle than me right now, but with my Desmoid, for my own personal journey, I am not happy with stable. For once, I was not happy to hear something in my life is stable. Stable, to me, represents strong and the last thing I want this tumor to feel is strong.
At first I was really upset about it, I am not going to lie. My whole world right now is based on ridding my body of this tumor so, of course, I felt disappointment. How did it not shrink? That feeling rushed back to me, of being trapped. I got really emotional and thought out loud “I JUST WANT THIS THING OUT OF MY BODY”.
I have to take a hard look at the things I am doing and how I can improve them. During the Summer I got a little relaxed in my routine. There were days I didn’t take my turmeric or my supplements and I feel like little lapses like that can aid in not having the results I expect. I need to remain consistent, I need to get back to meditating regularly and making myself a priority.
Meditation has made such an impact on me, when you get the hang of it, it’s life changing
So, once I’ve given myself enough time to say “this sucks” and feel it, I am starting again. I am going to be regimented and remind myself daily how grateful I am that not only did my tumor not grow but it could be SO MUCH WORSE. How this journey is frustrating at times but every single day it is teaching me how important health is how lucky I am to have the support group I have.
Sharing a disappointment is real and a reality of having a Desmoid Tumor. It’s not a set back, it’s just a lull in my progress to me and one day, when I am able to write that it is completely gone I will look back and be grateful for days like this that made me resilient.
EDIT: I wrote this post when I had read the report from the radiologist before I met with my doctor. When I met with my oncologist he was really upbeat and positive about my results. He is comparing all my MRI’s with my first MRI which was taken in March and he said compared to March my tumor has shrunk and even shows a tiny bit more of shrinking in this scan. He also said it was going so well he wouldn’t suggest any form of medication at this point. It was a GREAT appointment. I am glad I have this post to look back on my emotions and to remind myself to not get down on my journey at any point. Also I learned not to rely so heavily on the report form the radiologist and to wait to speak to my doctor before feeling any kind of way.