Wow. It has been quite a while.
I know I usually give some schpeal about how busy I’ve been and how I can’t believe I have let this much time pass without writing but truthfully, I allowed it. Genuinely. I haven’t really been ready or motivated to blog recently. There is so much going on in the world, in this moment, and sometimes it’s just easier to watch it all go by and let your jumbled thoughts stay right in your head.
The truth is, there has been so much going on in my world before we even knew of the pandemic. Before we were safe at home and asked to wear masks to do essential shopping.
On Christmas Eve, late after our family had left for the night, and after a wonderful Christmas Eve celebration, (which I miss so much in this quarantine) Chris and I found out we are expecting our first baby. (wow, typing that even makes my stomach flip a little). As I’ve written before, Chris really loves all things Christmas so I don’t think I’ll be able to ever top this Christmas Eve gift again.
It was SUCH an emotional time. In those early weeks of my pregnancy I experienced every single emotion in the book: panic, extreme happiness, extreme nervousness, stress, fear, excitement. Am I cut out for this? Am I ready for a huge life change? Am I ready for a body change? I just finally found my footing with my tumor, how will that be affected?
We really kept it to ourselves until we were in a safe space to start sharing the news. I have to say, it was so special to have this secret between the two of us for that small time frame where no one knew. It was hard to keep such a huge secret from my close friends and family. At gatherings I had a fake drink and in some cases had to hide how sick or tired I was feeling, but it was all so worth it to tell them and know we were in a healthy space to do so.
There was also a part of me that felt a little exhausted by all of this; hear me out. As I wrote in the past, my oncologist finally gave me the OK to start my routine MRI and visits to every 6 months. The past year of every 3 months was really exhausting emotionally and physically. I was excited to finally get a break from frequent doctors visits – then we got pregnant. Now I am back at the doctors every month. Not only that, I was finally learning my body again. I was in a space where I really knew myself and felt comfortable in my health and skin. This may be the toughest journey for me when it comes to that. Please don’t take that as me complaining or being anything less than grateful to be able to carry a baby and bring new life into the world, it just caught me off guard at a time where I was feeling comfortable and ready for a little break. I guess that’s the universe for ya.
I have a virtual meeting with my oncologist next week to discuss my plans since my next MRI was scheduled for June. I am due in August so I will be pretty far along and if there is not much we can do for my tumor, regardless, I’d prefer to have MRI’s after the baby is born.
I really want to document my journey of this pregnancy. I think it will be so fun for me, Chris and the baby to look back at one day. I also want to learn so much from the mom community and momma’s with Desmoid Tumors. If you have children you know how overwhelming the first child can be so please, please, please give me all the advice.
By the way – Baby Costa is a Boy! Guapo is so looking forward to being a big brother … we think.
I look forward to changing this blog up a little bit as my life changes up a lot!